How Do You Do It?

[HDT]

This is directed more toward our recreational drummers and weekend warriors in the audience, but please... if anyone(professionals and part-timers alike) can provide some insight, that would be great :).
My question is: How do you convince your "significant other" that you really need, or want some new piece of gear?  Especially when they do not play an instrument.  My wife has been around my drumming for more than 30 years, but it's like pulling teeth to get her to understand that I really do need a new 16" crash... or I need to re-head my kit.  ::)
So many of the drummers here at the Cafe' talk about getting new equipment, almost as if it was figured into their monthly utility bill ;)... mind you, I'm not jealous, I'm in awe!  So I guess I just need some insight into how you fit new gear purchases into your life, along with car payments... mortgage... insurance... and all the other expenses that we all have to deal with.  Thanks in advance.

[Jon E]

Step One:

Marry someone who already understands.



That's it.  There's only one step.

[felix]

A cymbal?

Sheesh.  I kinda flaunt it in her face to get her riled up.

She's like... "It's your money."  And that's it.  I try to buy decent stuff, so once I kick the bucket she will be able to ebay it for some easy green.

[efaubert1]

Honestly, I don't much consult my wife on drum gear. If I have the money, I buy it, if I don't, I won't.  That's not to say I don't let her know, or that she doesn't notice. Like when I bought a rack two weeks ago. She was ready to come unglued, as I made her aware by showing her prices for racks in the $200-$500 range in previous online sessions. So when I showed her my ebay purchase was only $80 with shipping, including those dreadfuly expensive clamps, she was cool with it. Or better yet, trading up, selling extra stuff on ebay to get new toys seems to help. Like today, I put my hi-hats on ebay since guitar center was laughable on trade in value. When they sell, then I'll throw a little cash in the mix and get the set I want. Those she probably won't notice.

[AdamBlevins]

That's not a problem that I've run into yet as I haven't married or otherwise lived/shared expenses with my girlfriends.

Although I have observed this with a couple of friends.  Two members of the church band that I play with are married and are (obviously) musicians.  They are also both gun enthusiasts, so they have two groups of "toys" to spend their money on.  They take all the money from the church gig and spend it on guns and instruments/sound gear.  Their wives seem to be OK with that.

[Mark Schlipper]

Step One:

Marry someone who already understands.



That's it.  There's only one step.

+1   I wouldn't be involved with someone who wasn't supportive of me.  

Now if you're talking about not paying a bill so you can get a new cymbal, then I'm on her side.   You have to get the necessities taken care of first.  Especially if drumming isn't your living.   How you do that is earn enough, spend smart, and budget properly.  

[HDT]

No... we both work hard, our bills get paid on time... every month.  I'ts not an issue of one or the other.  We aren't swimming in $$$$ by any stretch of the imagination, but even after these many wonderful years with her, she just doesn't quite "get it".  She doesn't see the value in it, I guess you could say.  

[Jon E]

Does she have any "activities" that require some cash outlay sometimes?

[Vintage Ludwig]

We are supportive of each others things we enjoy doing.  Plus, we both have very good jobs-and we are both 45 years old.  We both work very hard to be able to buy things we want.  I dont know how old you are HDT-but these things come with age-and hard work, and focus.  I dont keeps things from my wife-and she doesnt buy things either w/o telling me.   I dont know fully what your situation is-but if you work for your money, and especially if you arent married-your money is your money.  If you are married and your wife has a cow if you "WANT" to buy something as opposed to "needing" something for your kit, then perhaps you should respect her .02 cents worth.  Just try to be aware of the "selfish" factor.  I mean if you buy something for yourself when there is something you both actually really need, then thats selfish of you-know what I mean?

[rdmitch]

Some wonderful comments here, in my case I only buy gear with money made from gigs.  So I never dip into the budget to satisfy my habit.   If I sell some gear on e-bay I can use that money too.  Since we never count on gig money to meet our monthly  expenses, it'd kind of my fun money.  Often I'll toss a few hundred her way so she can enjoy the rewards of the hard work too, that keeps peace in the neighborhood.  
If theres a big expense like a whole kit I want,  she knows that I will pay back the savings a few hundred a week from gig money until I have repayed every cent.

[Chip Donaho]

When I first met my wife I was in the Army Band, plus playing in a rock band....I had just bought a new Mod Orange Ludwig set and had it set up in our bedroom.  ;D  I told her that I will always be a musician, and if she didn't like that option then don't marry me.... So, when I come home from the drum shop with something new she asks how much that was. Rolls her eyes, then shuts up.   8)  She knows that I pay for all of my gear playing or some odd job to cover my purchases. She also knows not to push the issue based upon our original agreement over 38 years ago. I trained her "right" from the start. Great wife....She knows I pay off my gear quickly. I'll lose my hair, teeth, or her before my drums, and she accepts that. She doesn't have a problem being my 2nd love....    ;)   She even learned how to say, "Craviotto".    :D

[James Walker]

Step One:

Marry someone who already understands.



That's it.  There's only one step.

+1.

Although, in my case it helps that I know what her favorite "flavors" are at the local candle shop.  ;)

[chefdoug]

Some wonderful comments here, in my case I only buy gear with money made from gigs.  So I never dip into the budget to satisfy my habit.   If I sell some gear on e-bay I can use that money too.  Since we never count on gig money to meet our monthly  expenses, it'd kind of my fun money.  Often I'll toss a few hundred her way so she can enjoy the rewards of the hard work too, that keeps peace in the neighborhood.  
If theres a big expense like a whole kit I want,  she knows that I will pay back the savings a few hundred a week from gig money until I have repayed every cent.

This is pretty much the way it is for me as well. Gig money goes straight to the gear habit, as does money from ebay sales. every once in a while I can treat myself for no reason but that's probably once a year. The other thing is, instead of a buying me a bithday gift, I get a small shopping spree in my favorite drum shop on or around my birthday. I go on my own, since she can't last for more that 20 minutes in a shop, and I have fun hitting things, talking to the guys in the shop and eventually buying something I have been wanting.

[Chris -]

Hi,

This is Mrs. Rhythmist (just so there's no confusion)  :)

Would it be possible for you to coordinate the upgrades to your kit with a gift-giving occasion?  For instance, for our 15th wedding anniversary, I bought my husband a 15" A custom, along with some other goodies he picked out.  Birthdays are handled pretty much the same way.  A sweater here, a black acrolite there...

You could also try "speaking her language."  You know, your kit needs updating, just like her wardrobe needs refreshing.  A new piece of equipment for you, a trip to Eddie Bauer for her...

If you prioritize and maybe do without some less important impulse purchases, you should both be able to update what's important to you and still stay happily married and within budget.

Blessings!

[Dave Heim]

I don't usually need to convince Mrs DaveFromChicago about new aquisitions.  My drumming brings in a nice supplemental income, so its not a problem.  Granted, if I felt a need to drop a few thousand on a new (or additional) set, we'd need to discuss it.

[Danno]

When I need/want a piece of drum equipment I buy it on eBay, unless it's something that has to be new (in my opinion) like a hi-hat stand.

My wife understands - she's a musician too. And I'm patient on eBay, so I don't spend a ton of money when I need something. My big coup so far was $75 for a like-new 18" Sabian HH crash/ride.

[HDT]

Wow... thanks so much to everyone for your comments.  My wife (God bless her) has a mind for budgets and so forth, and she is frugal.  It's just her nature.  She has no "high dollar" hobbies... so when I spend money on anything, it really feels like I'm tipping the scales. I'm still mulling over the path I should take, and I do need to sit down with my wife and have a good, long talk about this, but I think what this has done, if anything, is kicked me in the butt to get out of my basement and start making money playing again... stop wringing my hands about it, and just do it.  In time, hopefully I can buy the things I need or want without taking from our regular pool of money. ;) 8)  Peace!  Keep 'em coming.

[drumwild]

My question is: How do you convince your "significant other" that you really need, or want some new piece of gear?

Do you have your own job, or do you get an allowance from her? ::)

Since she has a mind for budgets, I'll assume you sign your check over to her. If she really has this skill, I don't think it would be out of the question to have a hobby budget of some kind.

Those who do serious budgeting and planning account for things like food expenditures, clothing, dry cleaning, entertainment, and so on. Why not include drum gear in all this?

Maybe you get $75/week as "mad money" (chicks love this term). you can go out with the guys, go to a movie... OR sock it away for drum gear.

Anybody who works hard for a living should be able to get SOME joy out of it. I say you step up and tell her what time it is.

[Shane Stylianos]

My wife has horses....so we both understand the nature of needing/wanting new/improved equipment.  Our problem is figuring out who gets what they want first. (within our paychecks, of course.)

[smoggrocks]

Wow... thanks so much to everyone for your comments.  My wife (God bless her) has a mind for budgets and so forth, and she is frugal.  It's just her nature.  She has no "high dollar" hobbies...

aw, bummer. i was gonna suggest waving the receipt under her nose next time she buys a pair of sexy slingbacks.

it certainly helps that sir smoggy is a player, otherwise i'd come in hiding my drum purchases [the way i hide the sexy slingbacks.]

but basically, we live by a 'yours, mine and ours' philosophy. so long as the joint expenses are paid, and some money goes to personal and joint savings, he can do what he wants with his dough, and so can i. usually, our spare money ends up crossing over to some joint venture.

no matter who's 'controlling' the budget, there's gotta be some give for people's personal interests, otherwise what's the point of working? i'd recommend sitting together and coming to a fair dollar amount [or percentage] for what each of you can spend on play things. if what you want at any given moment goes above that, you'll have to find a means to come up with the extra dough, either by saving a while longer for the purchase, working more to get the cash, getting something that costs less, or charging it on your own credit card and being responsible for paying it off promptly.

also, i'd encourage your wife to start doing things that make her happy. tell her to splurge on shoes [c'mon, man -- nothing is more fun than buying lots and lots of shoes!!!], or have her build up a little fund for a spa vacation, or get a makeover, or whatever. ask her what she's always wanted to do in her life, then encourage her to get up the dough together [maybe even sacrificing a little of your dough to jump-start things] and live a little! she may be in that head b/c of her past, or her fears, or her sense that she's gotta be well in control of things. no matter what's driving it, you need to let her know it's okay to enjoy spending as well as saving money.

btw, there's a good, short little article in this month's 'money' magazine that talks about couples' finances, and different strategies to deal with spending/saving.

and for the record -- i spent way too much this month on stupid girlie crap. went power-shopping for make-up, perfume, hair gunk, etc. but i'm set for almost a full year, as the truth is i really don't like shopping that much.

'cept for shoes! ;D